My heart races. My body temperature rises. And I feel like curling up in a ball and crying for hours. Yes, for hours.
Why is critique so difficult for me? First and foremost because I am a sinner. I care too much about the opinions of others. I want to be high and exalted in their eyes. When I discover how they really see me, it is crushing. And I forget God's truth. I begin to define myself by the flaws that have been thrust into my lap by those doing the critiquing. My feelings grow and swell and suddenly I believe myself to be worthless, unable to offer anything to anyone.
This is especially true in the area of ministry. Why? I felt called into the ministry in high school. I went to school and received a degree in ministry. I was prepared and daily encouraged by my professors that I had what it takes, that I had something to offer. I made an A in every class I ever took! All of this added up to rejection after rejection as I applied for job after job. I wasn't what anyone was looking for. I wasn't good enough. My weaknesses were too great. How humbling it is to feel like people are telling you that you are not even qualified to share the Gospel! I should have been a doctor...
I keep thinking after each new obstacle that rejection and critique will get easier, that I will grow into a woman who always responds with grace and truth. But today I find myself ready to mope around about another rejection received, even though if I had received an invitation, I would have rejected it...strange how our emotions work!
I have also had conversations with my husband on the topic of lying about what I believe my weaknesses to be in an interview. Apparently those interviewing for ministry position do not believe that in our weaknesses, Christ is strong =) So I should change my weakness into something that isn't really a weakness...something that is acceptable-like being too devoted to my work!
Don't worry...I haven't yet lied...
The feeling of not being wanted or needed is always difficult. Will it always cause me to question who I am? My value? I hope not. God has me in a role now that is very important. I am a wife and a mommy. I have a little girl who follows me around every second of the day. And although that doesn't always affirm who I am like it should, it does help me remember why I am here and that this is my ministry. I have the opportunity to share the Gospel with my baby girl each and every day. If I fail at that, it wouldn't matter if I received hundreds of job offers from ministries around the world. My family is my primary ministry, everything else is secondary. God has a plan for me. One day He might allow me to serve Him in the ways I feel called. Or He may not. But I have to live each day glorifying Him where He has placed me and trusting in who His Word defines me to be.
Here is a recent photo of my ministry with her big girl pigtails!
Here is a recent photo of my ministry with her big girl pigtails!
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