Life Update

I do not use my blog often, mostly because facebook is easier and more people will read updates there. I also use this more for photography than personal life. Needless to say, I neglected to write anything about the new addition to our family on the blog! We found out on February 1 that we are expecting again. I been longing for another newborn to hold, and we had decided to let God decide when it would happen. We were not trying to get pregnant, but we weren't trying to keep from getting pregnant. We knew it would probably happen sometime in 2012, which was great for us. I wanted Tessa to be close to her next sibling age-wise. BUT the day and subsequent weeks after we found out weren't quite as exciting as I had anticipated. Suddenly, I became fearful of having 2 children under age 2. I became fearful of morning sickness and all of the other symptoms pregnancy causes. I began to fret about the space in our apartment, our income, our small car, etc. I was so disappointed at my response, but I couldn't deny all those feelings that refused to go away.

One of the main reasons I experienced so much is fear is because I was looking only at myself and what I could do. I immediately believed there was no way I could be a good mom to two little ones. I could not have enough patience or steadfast love. I could not keep the house clean, manage the home, and have dinner ready for my husband each night. I could not be a godly role model and ultimately would fail my children. This is all true. If I were to only rely on myself, I would fail in all of these areas. But God can do awesome things through me. He can use me and mold me and strengthen me to fulfill the tasks He has called me to. He is faithful, even when I am not. I am so grateful for this great God. In my weakness, He is strong. I have to cling to that truth when the dark nights come and I face lie after life after lie, to the point where all I feel is despair. Tears run down my face as I ask "Why? Why did you give me this husband to love and these children to raise? I am not fit for this. I am not godly enough for this. I cannot love them like they need to be loved. You should not have chose me! I do not deserve them, and they deserve so much than I can give." In those moments, I really believe this. It is usually not until the light of the morning that God restores my soul with His truth. Without the hope-filled mornings, I could not face each day. In my weakness, He is strong. In my weakness, He is strong.

I am now 23 weeks along with a healthy baby BOY! It is all going by so fast this time. In a few short months, we will have another precious newborn. He is so squirmy! I felt his first kicks at 13 weeks (I think) and he has been kicking ever since. With Tessa, I felt her for the first time at 17 weeks, and then only every couple of days until she was bigger. I am excited about having a boy, though more nervous. My husband and I are opposite in this. I feel more confident in raising a girl, he feels better about a boy. How do we teach him to be a man but to be sensitive? How do we teach him sexual purity and integrity at a young age? The world throws so much at men in relation to sex. There is so much out there, and it scares me! My husband is one of the few men I know who was never exposed to pornography. I can only hope that God protects our little boy the same way he protected his daddy. It is in His control. I have to trust Him.

As I am preparing in so many different ways (boy clothes, organizing, making more space when where there is none, looking at possible housing options, etc.), I pray God would grow me in ways only He can. Without Him, my efforts are worthless.